Time Not Flying

It seems like it's been about a billion years since my last scan. It's peculiar that I myself was once a blissfully unaware pregnant lady, nonchalantly assuming that all would be well, and yet after seven years of infertility I am in need of regular reassurance.

Not that I have any particular reasons to worry. No unusual symptoms, no threatening conditions. It's just a tendency to believe that things aren't going to work out, because they so often haven't. And now that I'm really invested in this pregnancy - literally, in that I am having a wall built in my house to make an open room into something that might be able to be called a third bedroom - I am more anxious. The calm I feel after an appointment seems to wear off over time, and I am starting to think that I should rent one of those doppler devices after all. I hoped to be able to overcome the fear that years of disappointing treatment left me with, but it's harder to shake than I thought.

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My daughter has gotten over the initial shock of finding out that I'm pregnant. She bought a baby name book with her own money and is busy crossing out the absolutely not acceptable names (Snowdrop, Horst) and highlighting the ones she likes (Jillian, Daniel). She says she is going to read Shakespeare to my stomach once she can feel the baby kicking, so she can tell if it likes the comedies or the tragedies. And she is excited about the idea of taking walks with the dog and the baby.

Our dog research continues. We met an adorable yorkshire-pekingese mix, which is supposed to be low-shedding and very friendly. And my daughter has been googling images of little maltese puppies almost every day. But poodles shed less than any other dog, so maybe a poodle rescue dog is our best bet. In any case, we have put the final decision off until the end of February, since we will be dealing with the construction and it just seems unfair to bring a new dog into a carpentry mess. I think the right dog will find us.

Private school interviews start next week! We got the test scores back and the information is actually fascinating - there are two scores each for verbal and mathematical abilities. The first measures comprehension and the second measures application. If there are wide discrepancies between the two it's a sign that there may be a problem - it could be just a concentration problem or a learning disability.

Luckily my daughter's scores came in exactly the same for each category - 9s for verbal and 7s for math (on a scale of 1-9 - with a true bell curve, anything above a 5 considered good.). Which I think is really accurate, given the flap about standardized testing. Even though her Wechsler IV scores put her in the top 99.9% across the board, IQ tests don't really measure practical abilities so much as cognitive agility. I think that in terms of school experience, the ISEE gives a better picture of her as a student than the IQ test does. Anyone who has taught her would say that her strengths are in the humanities, although she is certainly a perfectly good math and science student. So, that's my take on standardized testing - for this one particular girl, anyway.

So Far, So Good

I finally got the official results of the first round of testing - the nuchal translucency and the blood test for a specific protein - and the report is: "it's all fine." Huh?

It seems that most people get some kind of statistical probability report, some kind of one-in-however-many that allows them to make a decision about whether or not to do an amnio. I just got a sentence fragment, although it's a certainly a nice one. I'll call the nurse back, of course - I've had enough experience with lost charts and forgotten memos that I like to double-check whenever anything is vague. But for now, at least, all is well.

The real reason I'm not too worried is that the ultrasound tech showed me exactly what she was doing, what she was measuring and how the measurements related to the statistics. She said that anything over a 3.5 could signal a problem, and Little Whoever has a 1.3 lucency. She seemed very confident that there wouldn't be a problem - she did point out that this is only one test, etc., but she said this measurement was very thin, which is always good. She also said that if the measurement is thick she calls upstairs to the doctor, and they usually do CVS right then and there. Wow!

It's strange to be here. It's like all those years of trial and error just disappeared. It just feels normal, and right. I thought I would be overcome with gratitude and celebration, but the truth is, life goes on. My office has a new big amazing project, my husband may be going to of town for months, my daughter is getting ready for her interviews at new schools... The world is more or less the same place it always was, and I guess I wasn't prepared for that. After years of measuring each month in two week waits and injection schedules, I'm just dumped back here into normal everyday life. If my pants weren't all so gigantic, I might not be sure this is all happening...

Other than that, I am going to start a yoga-for-invalids class this week. It's really a class for people who are recovering from an injury or have some kind of chronic condition, but it's super-easy and I think I need that now. I have been so tentative about anything strenuous that I'm not sure I could survive in my old level 2 class. There are all kinds of prenatal yoga classes around, but I can't quite work up to that yet - I think you might need an actual bump for those sessions.

We are also going to figure out how to get a dog. Although I have never really been an animal person (allergies), my daughter has been asking for a dog for a long time. And it's not that I don't like dogs, I just never let myself get attached to the idea of having one. But the idea of a hypoallergenic dog is what really made me give in - although I'm not sure how hypo-allergenic they really are.

In any case, when we told her about the baby, the only thing she said (at first) was "Can we still get a dog?" To which there is really only one reply. So, off we go on the great hypoallergenic dog search. We all agree that we just want a sweet, easy-going dog - a good personality is definitely the most important thing. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a puppy. I keep hoping that you just know the right dog when you see it, kind of like husbands. Anyway, any advice?

Fat and Happy

Ah, 2009! Even the sound of it, with it's long-vowel and final ringing consonant, seems so much nicer than the sharp little noises of 2008. So nice to be in a brand-spanking new year, full of hope and waiting for it's history to be made.

I am entering this year with my own new hope, less anxious and not quite so nerve-wracked. I think the (almost) weekly ultrasounds have made it so much easier - I can't imagine going a month between scans! I think the fear of early miscarriage is so fraught for those of us who are afraid that's all we'll ever have that any possible concern about frequent ultrasounds is easily outweighed by the relief of knowing things are going well. I know that at a certain point I'll have to learn to live without them - but my OB is very understanding, says I can come in for a quick doppler any time. Maybe I can even get by without buying one of my own?

Of course, tomorrow's scan is the nuchal translucency test, and that has it's own set of fears and worries, but for some reason I'm not too wound up about it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it between now and tomorrow afternoon.

As for being a forty-year-old pregnant lady, I can only say that it is very different than being a twenty-nine-year-old one. While I know that a second pregnancy - okay, with infertility taken into account, it may not technically be the second actual pregnancy, but whatever - tends to "show" sooner, I am shocked at how pregnant I already look. When I was pregnant with my daughter I wore regular clothes until about five months. Then I wore floppy things and didn't even buy maternity clothes until seven months. Now all I can fit into are floppy things, although one of the advantages to being older is that I can afford nicer floppy things than I could have back then.

Although I don't have strong pregnancy symptoms (like nausea or sore boobs, although I think nursing for 14 months took so much out of my boobs nothing can really affect them any more) I seem to be starting in on the pregnancy-related consequences. The veins on one of my legs are snaking into prominence, and the skin on my stomach is insanely itchy. I am as burpy as a frat boy and as achy as a great-great-grandma. (Yep, my husband is one lucky guy!)

Of course, it's all nothing. I don't care, I'll wear the thick stockings or whatever. It's amazing to even think that I am twelve weeks (and one day!), that I am almost out of my first trimester already and that I feel pretty good most of the time. I thought I would be wracked with worry day in and out, but somehow things just feel right. Even though I know that anything can happen at any time, it just isn't something that haunts me. I think a lot of it has to do with getting past my own personal fertility disaster zone - the early weeks. I can only imagine that it would be harder if my losses had been later.

At this point, I think of those possibilities on the same level as the getting-hit-by-a-bus scenarios. Yes, terrible things can happen, can and do. But, somehow, the Abstract Terrible Thing That Probably Won't Happen just can't wreak as much emotional havoc as the Terrible Thing That Actually Happened and May Happen Again.

Of course, I'll let you know if I still feel that way after I get the results of the nuchal scan.

Vacation!

We're off to Yosemite! I'll have to do without my weekly scan, but I think it will be worth it...

I still don't feel much of anything, physically. Maybe a little teeny bit of stomach blah, definitely more tired than usual (but also busier than usual). Somehow, I look four months pregnant already. And, somehow, it doesn't help - I just feel awkward and lumpy.

So, I'll be the slow lumpy one on the snowshoes. Or maybe just the lumpy one by the fire with a big fat book! 2008 has been fraught with hope and change in so many ways for me - I am looking forward to a year which holds so many happy new possibilities! A truly Happy New Year, this time. And I wish the same for all of you.

Labs and Other Tests

Luckily, I've managed to get an ultrasound once a week so far - this one with my regular OB, who called me on Sunday after she got my message so we could schedule an appointment as soon as possible. She completely understands the IVF-pregnancy panic, so I'll get to see her more often at first. Between her office and the last few visits to my RE, I'll be able to stay on the weekly u/s until the nuchal translucency scan!

The only bad news is that my thyroid levels are off - and the nurse who left the message didn't even tell me in which direction. And googling anything like this just leads to disaster - the first three things I read were dire reports of lost motor skills and lowered IQ. I am (for now) assuming that my levels can't be too bad since the nurse said they just want to retest in a few weeks and it should be fine...

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Meanwhile, maybe I shouldn't worry too much about lowered IQ. Since my daughter is so unhappy at school, we began to wonder if it wasn't more than just feeling alone and disregarded that was the problem. Because she'll be in the sixth grade next year, we have a lot of options as far as school choice - there are so many charters, magnets, private schools and permit-entry public middle schools that start in sixth that we thought it would be good to look into moving her early.

As we researched, we found out that most of the charters and magnets are LA Unified schools, and since we don't live in LA proper she can't even apply to those. There are some state charters open to anyone, and we found one we like. It is on a lottery system, though, so you have to just cross your fingers and hope to get in. The other options are magnet-charters that she may be able to get into at the discretion of the district at the start of the school year (depending on enrollment) - yikes! The local middle school seems mostly fine - not much gang activity, good music program, great theater program. But there are no gifted classes. Since my kid's whole problem is that she has a hard time really finding friends who have "interesting things to talk about and are really smart and funny" I am not sure about the no-gifted program arrangement. I'm sure those kids can somehow find each other, but at her current school finding those kids isn't the problem - the fact that they're not in the same class is what really ruins it.

All of that is a long backstory to this: we are looking at private schools. Which means that we have had to study for the ISEE (a sort of mini-SAT) which is required for the admissions process. And she has been IQ tested, the results of which were unattainable. Yep - the modern IQ test apparently doesn't go high enough to measure my kid's IQ. Which just serves to infuriate me even more when her current school says that they feel gifted is an arbitrary designation, and it doesn't really have any bearing on the classroom situation.

Anyway, I always knew my daughter was bright. But she is not one of those kids who knows everything there is to know about micro-organisms or Greek mythology or whatever. I knew that she was happier when she was in class with her three friends who are also really bright, but I hadn't fully put it together that it isn't just social. She just misses having someone to talk to about whatever they are doing in class. I thought it was more about having a friend to chat with in the "in-between" times, but maybe I was missing the bigger picture.

I think that the ISEE prep is actually great - it's more homework than she gets from school, and she seems to love it. I've also been carving up my work schedule into little ribbons of time just so I can manage ultrasound appointments and playdates with the kids she likes, and it does seem to be making a big difference. She has two semi-friends in her class, but doesn't want to see them outside of school. (She has known them for years and always liked them peripherally, but the few playdates us moms arranged were never really great for any of them.) So, I just make sure to have as many kids over as she wants, lots of sleepovers and lots of cookie-baking.

Anyway, that's my long update on my daughter - private school interviews in January, charter lottery in April, magnet-charter maybes in late August, if we can hold out that long. All I know is, any school is probably better than one that thinks gifted (and, by the way, I hate the word gifted - there should be some better term that denotes specifically cognitive/associative/comprehensive agility) kids don't need any specific consideration at all.

July 20th

I had another ultrasound yesterday, and the RE told me I could stop worrying about an early miscarriage. He hastily added that there are no guarantees, etc., etc. - but of the few things they look for (heartbeat, growth, condition of yolk sack, no hemorrhaging behind the placenta) all are just fine.

I could see the head vs. body differentiation, and even a little twisty movement and head bopping. Of course, on the little picture it all just looks like a blob, but I swear I saw that blob shrug, as if to say "It is what it is, lady. Just chill." So, okay, I get the message.

Here's the blob, with the head at the top, in profile. The round thing by its (eventual) feet is the yolk sac.


I did go on a drawstring-pants shopping spree, and also got some drapey tops. One of my best friends is getting married Christmas Eve, so I have to find some kind of fancy loose outfit. And I'm thinking of actually telling her that I'm pregnant, instead of making up some kind of reason for not drinking the champagne. How's that for throwing caution to the wind?

Meanwhile, I made my first OB appointment. My RE likes to have an overlap of care, just a week or two. Then, the nuchal translucency scan in the first week of January. Suddenly, it all seems real. It's impossible to remain detached and neutral through all of this, anyway. I can't be invested enough to eat really well and avoid all the bad things and generally try to be a good pregnant lady while also trying not to get too invested in the pregnancy. I am just not that psychologically complicated.

I think the real story now is all about being pregnant and old. I know that over women over 40 may have increased risks for growth problems, preterm labor, preeclampsia, high blood pressure & gestational diabetes. But I'm just not up for worrying about all that too much. It's not that I'm putting my head in the sand - I'll make sure to exercise (at least a little bit) and have any weird symptom checked immediately - but somehow making it past your own personal infertility hurdles is exhausting enough. Fretting about hypothetical problems is just too much - I'll cross those bridges when and if I come to them.

Of course, I'll still be nervous for the nuchal scan, the triple screen, the big anatomy ultrasound. But it seems somehow like normal-person worry, not desperate-infertile-worry-which-
mourns-the-wretched-injustice-of-it-all. I might even buy a bib or something, if it's on sale. (Although I do have pre-planned escape routes for any early purchases - pregnant sister, pregnant cousin, pregnant dear friend. One boy, one set of boy-girl twins, one unknown. I figure I can re-gift pretty much anything.)

Stomach Problems

I am possibly feeling the teensiest bit of nausea, which I am taking as a good sign. Although maybe I just ate something funny, because one day of stomach weirdness could be anything, really.

Mostly my stomach feels bad because it is uncomfortably squeezed into my pants. As anyone who has gone through a medicated cycle can tell you, there is some kind of bloat that has nothing to do with anything that may or may not be growing inside you. The bloat is some kind of fat-collecting, fluid-retaining, muscle-slackening deterioration that makes fitted pants a very unfortunate fashion choice. I can only imagine what might happen in back-to-back cycles, but maybe there is some kind of bloat threshold.

Part of it is the lack of vigorous exercise, because of course the hormones make you feel terrible and then the taking-it-easy is such a good excuse to skip the gym. Plus, the steroid I'm still taking does tend to cause puffiness. I know I need to get myself back into some kind of regimen. But I think the IVF bloat, added to the fact that I am not some young thing at this point, means that I am just not going to be swanning around in cigarette pants and a halter anytime soon. (Which is fine, because honestly, I don't swan much anyway...)

Floppy pants are not really a problem - I'm happy to need them, happy to be in this situation at all. But it's funny how many little things are different with a pregnancy after infertility. There's just a lingering sense of doubt and failure that's hard to shake, a habit of not expecting too much. I keep thinking it will ease up as time goes by, but maybe I haven't given it enough time.

I did, however, order two pairs of fancy stretchy pants and one of those wrap-around sweater contraptions. I may look like I'm getting fat, but at least I'll be able to bend over.