Just When I Thought It Was Safe...

I have never had a thyroid problem. I have been tested who knows how many times during these last years of bloodwork, and always the results are normal. My tests from September are completely normal. Sure, I have all kinds of other problems. My anti-trypsin numbers are too high and my hematocrit is too low. But thyroid has never been an issue.

Until now, of course. My very borderline, nothing-to-worry-about low TSH has been getting worse instead of better. Because my free T3 and T4 numbers were fine, the low TSH didn't really mean anything in the first trimester. Apparently the hCG can affect the thyroid hormone levels as it increases in the first months. But here I am in the second trimester and it's getting worse, so I'm off to the endocrinologist (a regular one, not a reproductive one.)

I keep thinking that clearing the hurdle of actually getting pregnant should be enough. All those years of trying to solve that problem have left me less prepared to handle new ones as they crop up. It should be the opposite - I know how to read journals and figure out what questions to ask - but instead I'm just useless. I googled "hypothyroidism + pregnancy" and there were just too many upsetting results so I quit. My medical-issue resolve has been exhausted. I have an appointment with the endocrinologist in two days, and until then I just want to think about something else.

......................

The most interesting thing I can distract myself with now is the middle school search. It is fascinating to see what amazing opportunities there are at some of these schools. Kids on the debate team go downtown to argue their points before real judges. Science classes take four-day trips to the Channel Islands and the Mojave. For spring break there are (optional - and expensive) trips to Vietnam and Peru to build schools and bridges and clean up wetlands. Seniors are matched with internships in any field they choose. Even the lunches are amazing - one school is catered by one of our favorite restaurants!

My junior high was more like pre-teen jail. The halls smelled like grease and the bathrooms were always out of order. A lot of the boys were left back a few years on purpose, so they could be bigger for high school football. They would cut class and go across the street to get donuts, so there were always smears of jelly filling and whatever that yellow creamy stuff is all over the desks. Those guys would push girls against their lockers and grab their crotches - it was repulsive, but nothing ever happened to them because they were going to be football stars. In high school, one of them was in a bad accident (driving drunk) and his leg was crushed. He wouldn't be able to play football again and I remember being glad. I specifically remember thinking that it was kind of horrible of me to feel that way, but that I was glad anyway. He had grabbed me once, and I had never told anyone.

I know school is still school. Even if my daughter goes to the fanciest private school with the most exclusive everything, there will still be cliques and parties and mean girls and drugs and boy problems. Maybe worse, who knows? But these schools have "life skills" classes and advisory groups that encourage kids to talk about issues and rumors and problems. They have counselors and peer support councils and incredible small student-teacher ratios. If my friends and I had had anything like that, things might have been so much easier to deal with. If we had even thought there was a chance that somebody would really listen to us instead of just telling us what to do, things might not have been so out of control.

Even while I hope to be a new parent again, safe in those early years when conflicts are generally small even if they're noisy, I can't avoid the fact that I am also heading into the pre-teen years.