Relief, Retrospect

I had an OB appointment on Friday, just in the nick of time. I was about to drive myself crazy with irrational anxiety. Even though my doctor is sweet enough to say that I can come in for a listen any time, I'm going to rent the doppler. If I went in as often as I wanted to there would surely be unflattering notes in my chart - plus the parking for her building is ridiculous.

That said, everything looks fine. I had to laugh when she looked so pleased that I had gained a perfect two pounds so far. Ha! She took my "baseline" weight after I was released from the RE, by which time I had already gained nine pounds. When she flipped back to my last yearly appointment weight she noticeably flinched. But I have to give her credit for regaining her composure so quickly and just telling me not to worry about it!

Other than that, I've been thinking a lot about how I actually got here. Since I never had a firm diagnosis of anything in particular in the first place, it's hard to know what the solution really was. Going to an aggressive clinic was definitely a big part of it - but even within everything they changed as far as my protocol and lab interventions, I wonder if there was one deciding factor that tipped the odds in our favor? Was this just a lucky month, just random chance that one of the few viable eggs in there was coaxed out this time? Were my eggs just "tough", so that they needed ICSI even though my husbands sperm assay was relatively normal? Or did the AH make all the difference? What if they hadn't let me transfer all three embryos? What if I hadn't done all that acupuncture? Would it really have made any difference if I had that glass of wine after all?

All the same questions that I had after my unsuccessful cycles are still there, even though I guess it doesn't matter so much if I get the answers. Still, after all those years of wondering, it's strange that I never really got to find out what the problem was. This cycle really did throw the whole kit and caboodle at me and hope something would work, and I suppose that's the best anyone can ask for... But the part of me that read through so many scientific journals and infertility publications still wishes I had an actual explanation for my seven years of disappointments.

It's not as if I can't just be happy and stop worrying about it - I am honestly thrilled to pieces now. But I can still remember the sting of a failed cycle, and the frustration of never knowing what might have made the difference. Now that I'm on the other side, I have only this to say: When it comes to unexplained infertility, you can either first try one thing, and then another, and then something else and try to pinpoint the exact problem. (I probably wasted years on the tentative possibilities of the "maybe this, maybe that" approach.) Or you can throw everything at it and hope something sticks. I may never know what made this cycle work, but I'll always be amazed an unbelievably grateful that somehow, it did.