Thursday, June 18, 2009

Here, Again

Well, here I am again. Gallons of follistim, desamethasone working it's insomniac magic on me in the wee hours, acupuncture and supplements and meditation and whatever the hell else I can come up with...

But I'm beyond hope this time. It used to be that I was just too nervous to admit that I was hoping much, even secretly. It wasn't so much the genuine disappointment of a failed cycle that I was trying to protect myself from. I wanted to be able to be objective so that failure wouldn't feel personal. I wanted to be able to shrug off a bad cycle so I could gather myself together for the next one. I was trying to be strong and realistic and determined without letting myself care too much - but it doesn't matter how much you tell yourself that you won't hope if deep in your heart you know you're wishing as hard as you can.

I've been stuck for so long in the in-between phase, knowing that hope isn't going to help me but unable to keep it completely at bay. Hope, wish, want. How could I completely separate the process from the goal? Impossible, really - the goal is the only reason for the process. But this time, the goal has changed for me. I just don't want to leave this unfinished. I'm not expecting anything but closure.

And I can write all of that here and know that it makes sense - but you can bet that if I said it to most people the first thing I'd hear would be "It'll probably happen now that you've just relaxed and stopped worrying so much!"

6 comments:

PJ said...

I keep saying, I wish I could just curl up and go to sleep and wake up when there's no worry anymore.

Good luck to you! I'll be cheering for you, and I can't help but hope the closure ends with a real live baby.

Wish me luck on Monday. Sooo nervous about that ultrasound.

musicmakermomma said...

Glad to see your post - I think we're in the same boat hopewise. This cycle I don't even think of as a cycle, it's just stuff I have to do as part of life, but I haven't considered it really working. Good luck to both of us, a surprise pg would be ironic eh?

Wombded said...

Ugh! The dreaded "relax" comments from those who have no idea. Here's one of my neurotic secrets: I used to have a HUGE fear that we would stop trying and then I would get pg. The thought of having countless people tell me that it was b/c I relaxed is just more than I could bear.

Hope you're feeling well physically. Looking forward to following the cycle.

Best When Used By said...

Hope is the one thing we can't seem to chase off, negotiate away, talk ourselves out of, reason with or justify...it just is. Hope, the eternal weed. It is so good to hear from you, I've been wondering how you are. I do hope you have found a place of contentment, and I hope your cycle is a success - whether it's because you relaxed or not.

Lisa DG said...

We'll hope for you so you don't have to... I wish I have some words of wisdom for you. I do go on the premise that it really takes just one good egg- that's it. I hope there's a couple follicles up there housing some beauties.

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

Cheering you on!!! Gallons of follistim made me chuckle. I often feel like a mower than needs 14 pulls before it starts. :D