Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Sneaking Through the Danger Zone

I feel like I'm tiptoeing through this pregnancy, sneaking up on the dreaded 17 weeks (I'm at 15w2d today) and hoping that nothing terrible happens again. And there is such a temptation to think that if I get through the next two weeks I can breathe a giant sigh of relief and start ordering crib sheets. I hope I can get in that groove instead of starting to worry about the other 97 things that can possibly go wrong.

I had a quickie appointment today just for a flu shot, a doppler check (mine hasn't come yet) and the blood draw for the second trimester screening. This is the test that came back all wonky last time, the way we first knew something was terribly wrong. It takes a few weeks to get the results, so I'll just have to be glad that I have an u/s in the interim. It helps to know that the baby is actually alive - problems can be big or little or catastrophic, but being dead doesn't leave a lot of options.

I still haven't decided about the amnio. We talked about it today and figured we would wait until these results come back and go from there. It's not so much that I'm worried about the risks involved, but I know that there are so many other things that can affect the outcome that I'm not sure it would give me much peace of mind. Then again, my husband and I have always said that we don't want to raise a child with severe problems. But some problems can be mild, and that's where it gets confusing.

I have a friend with an adult daughter with Down Syndrome. She is very social, independent and happy. She has had a lot of therapies throughout her life. Her mother is particularly involved in the DS community, traveling with her daughter to DC to speak to congress and throwing yearly fundraisers at her fabulous home. My friend has found a lot of fulfillment in that process, and I think she feels truly that the circumstances turned out to be the best fit for her, in the long run. But it's hard for me to imagine myself in that kind of life, even though I have the best possible role model for what that life could be like. In some ways, I feel like just knowing she's there is such a safety net for me, but in my heart I really dread ever having to use it.

I'm thinking about a leopard print, by the way. For the crib sheets. Or a funky marimekko-ish geometric. Something absolutely not pastel or dainty. No fairies or dragons or tractors or ballerinas, either. If I can find the right fabric I'll sew it myself - a dust ruffle and a sheet being basically squares. I still have my daughter's old crib - it's been lent out a few times but has always come back in good condition. There is also a matching changing table, so at least I won't be out shopping for furniture. The closet in that room/office has some built-in drawers and cubbies, and a dresser probably wouldn't fit in there anyway. But, maybe a leopard-spotted glider chair?


Gwynn said...

I'll be holding me breath, and sending tons of positive energy your way, until your results come in and you hit 17 weeks.

I LOVE the idea of leopard print!! Sooo cute. I adore it paired with a good plaid.

Being worried for this long is so emotionally draining. (Trust me, I've been there. But on the back end not on the front.)I hope you are able relax into your pregnancy soon.

stillhopeful said...

I really, really hope those results are good. I'm sure you must be on edge right now, hopefully you'll get the reassurance you need when the results come in.

I think leopard print is great!! In fact, one of the bedding patterns I really liked had the leopard print in it. We ended up going with a differnt pattern, still with browns and tans, but I might get a few leopard accents to put in the nursery once I start decorating....

Shelby said...

Getting through these next few weeks to the time marker of your last loss will be difficult, I'm sure. I am hoping it goes quickly, smoothly and that soon enough, you'll be exhaling a big sigh of relief.

You know, the strange thing is is that I was so affected by your loss and reading about it that I too considered 17 weeks as a time marker for myself. I can recall that time being some of the longest weeks of my life. While I realize that getting past 17 weeks (and even 34 weeks, where I am) is not a guarantee for anything, it's still a step closer. I'll be thinking of you!

DAVs said...

I love the leopard print idea!

I wish that all of this waiting were easy and painless. I wish you could just take a big ole Valium and sleep away the waiting. Sending you strength.

just me, dawn said...

so many options so many decisions, praying that your results are good and that your little one is looking great at your US.

Best When Used By said...

Um, Lorraine, you're thinking about crib sheet patterns! This is a HUGE step! Wow. But I'm with ballerinas or tractors or baby animals or pooh stuff. I love the idea of the leopard-spotted glider.

I hope the b/w results come back just fine and give you some peace of mind. The best thing of all. (I haven't even gone for mine yet).

Lisa DG said...

I know that feeling of waiting for a milestone to pass. 17 weeks is the "dreaded one" for me too.

Just remember that past performance has nothing to do with today.

Leopard print is a must- love it!