July 20th

I had another ultrasound yesterday, and the RE told me I could stop worrying about an early miscarriage. He hastily added that there are no guarantees, etc., etc. - but of the few things they look for (heartbeat, growth, condition of yolk sack, no hemorrhaging behind the placenta) all are just fine.

I could see the head vs. body differentiation, and even a little twisty movement and head bopping. Of course, on the little picture it all just looks like a blob, but I swear I saw that blob shrug, as if to say "It is what it is, lady. Just chill." So, okay, I get the message.

Here's the blob, with the head at the top, in profile. The round thing by its (eventual) feet is the yolk sac.


I did go on a drawstring-pants shopping spree, and also got some drapey tops. One of my best friends is getting married Christmas Eve, so I have to find some kind of fancy loose outfit. And I'm thinking of actually telling her that I'm pregnant, instead of making up some kind of reason for not drinking the champagne. How's that for throwing caution to the wind?

Meanwhile, I made my first OB appointment. My RE likes to have an overlap of care, just a week or two. Then, the nuchal translucency scan in the first week of January. Suddenly, it all seems real. It's impossible to remain detached and neutral through all of this, anyway. I can't be invested enough to eat really well and avoid all the bad things and generally try to be a good pregnant lady while also trying not to get too invested in the pregnancy. I am just not that psychologically complicated.

I think the real story now is all about being pregnant and old. I know that over women over 40 may have increased risks for growth problems, preterm labor, preeclampsia, high blood pressure & gestational diabetes. But I'm just not up for worrying about all that too much. It's not that I'm putting my head in the sand - I'll make sure to exercise (at least a little bit) and have any weird symptom checked immediately - but somehow making it past your own personal infertility hurdles is exhausting enough. Fretting about hypothetical problems is just too much - I'll cross those bridges when and if I come to them.

Of course, I'll still be nervous for the nuchal scan, the triple screen, the big anatomy ultrasound. But it seems somehow like normal-person worry, not desperate-infertile-worry-which-
mourns-the-wretched-injustice-of-it-all. I might even buy a bib or something, if it's on sale. (Although I do have pre-planned escape routes for any early purchases - pregnant sister, pregnant cousin, pregnant dear friend. One boy, one set of boy-girl twins, one unknown. I figure I can re-gift pretty much anything.)