Friday, July 31, 2009

My Friend Flicker

The ultrasound technician in my OB's office (my RE is on vacation) actually offered to go on my trip with me, and I said yes. I think she might have been joking, but I was absolutely serious. Of course, she'd have to bring her machine along with her...

Things are still looking like they may actually work out. At 6w4d we saw an embryo measuring 6w5d, and a flicker of a heartbeat at 129 bpm. So far, so good. But it's a hollow kind of reassurance. I used to think that those of us who have gone through losses really had to get past the point of the loss before we could begin to relax and believe things might work out. But now I'm not sure even that will be enough for me - I can't imagine losing this feeling of "maybe" and "we'll see". My OB was so excited for me, hugging and kissing me and almost literally jumping up and down. It just seemed like too much, too soon.

The nurses offered me their pre-natal welcome package, which includes lots of samples of vitamins, a copy of WTEWYE, coupons for pregnancy yoga and massages and gift certificates to maternity stores. I got the same package last fall, so I still had most of the things in my big box of IVF leftovers. I just said thanks, I have everything I need. But I was shocked by how naive it seemed - not even 7 weeks and they are already assuming I'm going to need this stuff? Don't they of all people know that these things are not guaranteed?

I'm going to be out of the country for almost a month - my OB said I could come in the day after I get back, but the ultrasound lady suggested I wait just four more days and then we can do the nuchal translucency scan at the same time. So, okay - but my RE will be back by then, and you can bet I'm going to try to get in there for a scan as soon as my plane lands. I guess it's just going to be a tentative time for me, and I'll have to figure out how to be okay with that.

If anyone has a sister (cousin, friend-of-a-friend, etc.) who's an ultrasound tech in London, let me know!


Matilda said...

A month waiting for another scan just after IVF sounds like an eternity, but hopefully you are doing fun stuff that will keep you distracted. Good luck, and enjoy right now, when you know that things are fine and that's all you can go on until you have more info.

Mad Hatter said...

Hmmm...I can see your point about the gift's nice of them to do that, but the timing is certainly questionable.
I'm sure you can find a way to get a little peek when you're in London if you really want one, no? Regardless, I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing and safe trip!

Best When Used By said...

Congratulations on your flicker! I know how you are just a few days behind me and we seem to be experiencing the same emotions. Yeah, the heart beat is fantastic...but...still...uncertainty lingers. Will this one make it? And thanks for the prenatal package, but maybe we should wait.

I hope you have a lovely trip. And that you find someone over there with an U/S machine to help you out. Keeping you and your babe in my thoughts. And thank you so much for the very sweet and reassuring comment on my blog.

abogada2 said...

It is truly amazing how the other half lives, and all the presumptions that are made -- the bottle of wine leads to pregnancy that leads to a live baby. But I think that we are more appreciative, never taking the miracle for granted. And, while I wish I were more like them, I'm kind of glad that I'm like me too.

Words cannot express the depth of the well wishes that I have for you. I hope that you can find a way to keep us updated! Take care, and enjoy London.

Sky said...

Oh, I just laughed at your description of the OB jumping up and down and hugs and kisses of joy and you sitting there - the pragmatic one - looking at her like she's a loon. I SOOO get it. I'm just not a counting-chickens-before-they're-hatched-type girl and after what you've been through, give yourself a break. You know what's right for you to feel, and when.

But so far, so good. :)

Wombded said...

Oh, I hope you have a miserable return flight b/c you're so nauseaus! ;-)

So one?

Hopefully, you'll be busy and enjoying yourself and will be destracted somewhat. I wish I could say that the fear doesn't last, but I'm still feeling bits of it at 26 weeks.

PJ said...

Yaaaaaaaaay! A heartbeat! That's wonderful!

I hate how miscarriage makes you feel about the next/subsequent pregnancies. I know how you feel.

Still though, this is a good, good sign. I'm wishing and hoping for you. :)

Have a wonderful trip! I hope you'll blog while you're there to let us know how you're doing.

Shelby said...

Great news!

I have to say, even at 25 weeks, I still have the "maybe" and "we'll see" so deeply embedded in my heart that I don't ever envision it going away until he is in my arms. That is the thing about having gone through a changes you forever.

Bon voyage!

Sarah said...

i know what you mean about too much, too soon, i felt the same way. its very hard for me to relax until maybe the halfway point? how great that you have the big trip coming up, that sounds like a good distraction!