Friday, July 24, 2009

Teeny Tiny Someone

So, one gestational sac with a yolk sac. (It's too early for cardiac activity, but I have an appointment for next week and we should be able to see something then.)

All I could think of was that if there were two I would have had a back-up. It is just such a measure of how much loss and failure and disappointment come into play with infertility treatments that I couldn't even muster up some genuine enthusiasm for what is actually normal. And the crazy thing is, I quite emphatically don't want twins. I can understand why it's so appealing after IVF - two for the price of one! - to get even more of what you were hoping for. But the possibility of added complications, especially at my "advanced" age, seriously frightens me.

Anyway, even though I never wanted two take-home babies, I did like the idea of a spare in there, just in case. Which is horrible, because it assumes that the odds are so bad that one by itself doesn't have much of a chance, that something drastic will happen. And I know (really, I do) that it's enough that there is one, that it seems to be doing well so far, that hoping for a back-up is ridiculous when there is still every reason to just go ahead and hope for one that's successful. As long as I'm just hoping, might as well hope for what I really want, right?

If I weren't so nervewracked by by infertility I would be amazed that I have seen my child at such an early stage. I wish I could blithely assume that this is my baby, that in March I'll get to meet this little whitish circle. Shouldn't it feel incredible to be able to watch these earliest moments of your own child's life, to see and know and verify such a teeny tiny existence?

Instead, I'm bracing myself for the next scan, hoping for a good heartbeat and the idea that this one might actually make it.


Nikki said...

I can totally understand your wanting a "spare" one in there! The ways in which IF changes us huh?

Congratulations on a good looking gestational sac, and best wishes for a healthy heartbeat and smooth pregnancy!

Anonymous said...

Hooray! You are making progress - just take it one day at a time. It is so hard not to get your hopes up, but things are really looking good! Sending all the best thoughts.

Sky said...

I know exactly how you feel. The thought of twins was MORE THAN terrifying to me. Not only from a danger standpoint when you're over 40 (which is terrifying ENOUGH!) but because two? ARE you effen kidding?! That's hard-core - that's no joke!

However, there was this perverse thought in me on transfer day that if I transferred two kick-ass embryos (of which I was lucky to have more than a dozen), I would have a "back-up" too. I thought, Hey, one could decide it had better places to be than my boring uterus and then I'd still have the back-up. (we're being truthful here)

Now to you - Lorraine! I'm so thrilled for you. It looks like you have one very strong little bugger in there (think of those betas) with big muscles and everything! :)

Can't wait until your next scan!

just me, dawn said...

very happy to hear that you saw what you needed to see and praying that next week the results are even better :)

Best When Used By said...

Lucky you to get a peek so soon! I'm walking in circles going bonkers over here having to wait until Thursday. I really hope you do get to meet that whitish circle next March, and that when you do, you'll recall thinking about the "backup baby" and you'll just smile to yourself, thinking how silly you were. Here's hoping all your dreams come true.

the Babychaser: said...

All I can say is, I hear you, sister. The idea of a backup makes perfect sense to me. And what does that say about me, about us, and about what we've been through.

At this point, you and I (and anyone else who feels this way) are entitled to have dark, morbid, creepy thoughts about pregnancy. We have leeway for some pessimism.

But I hope you find some space for some hope in there, too. Because if you lose this pregnancy you'll be devastated whether you let yourself believe or not. So why not try to find some peace in the meantime.

(Speaking to myself as well, by the way, in case this is sounding preachy.)

Hang in there. Don't forget to breathe.

abogada2 said...

I completely understand. I don't think I really believed that my daughter was actually going to arrive until I was 32 weeks into the pregnancy, and that was the first time that I even relaxed a little.

Mad Hatter said...

It's so sad that our lives are all about uncertainty, all about the big IF. I can totally understand your thinking of a second as a back-up. I'm sure I would, too. Hope and fear are two sides of the same coin and I'm realizing that we all keep flipping that coin over and over as we wait for the next test, the next step...That seems to be our normal and that's okay. I'm so glad that all the results have been so positive for both you and your whitish circle so far - sending lots of good energy your way!

Kami said...

Congrats on a sac! I understand 100% . . . I always wanted a backup but never wanted twins.

Here is hoping you don't need a back up.

Stupid infertility baggage.