Monday, July 27, 2009

Six Weeks Exactly

Because my retrieval was on a Monday, we are measuring weeks and days starting on Mondays - which is very convenient. Of course, it doesn't make time go any faster, but it's easy to keep track of as it goes creeping by.

At 6w0d, I feel tired. No nausea, no sore boobs. Maybe my boobs have been pregnant too many times (this is #7, including the probable early miscarriages before I knew enough to recognize that my period wasn't just oddly two weeks late). Maybe they've been plumped up and stretched out enough that it doesn't really matter any more? They seem a teensy bit firmer, but alas, not really anything more in terms of cleavage.

I think my daughter suspects. She hasn't said anything outright, and I'm not going to bring it up, but she has remarked, at separate times, that I'm not drinking coffee, that my clothes are all really floppy, that I'm going to a lot of acupuncture and doctors appointments. It was only five months ago that I was fully pregnant, that all those things were completely well-known to be related to that, and that she was asking a million questions about everything.

When we were in Yosemite in December and had to run from the bear (I know you're not supposed to run from a bear, but it's impossible not to) I had grabbed her hand and pulled her through the woods. Afterwards, she said it was fun and I told her that I wasn't supposed to run so fast, so haphazardly, because of the baby. (Yes, I've wondered if that could have been a factor in the demise - I wonder about everything.) And today when we were taking a walk in the hills, she started running down a grassy slope and calling for me to come after her. I told her that I can't run right now. She turned and looked me in the eye and said "Like that time with the bear?"

The problem with high-IQ kids is, well, they can figure things out for themselves. If it weren't summer, if my husband weren't out of town, if her camp hadn't ended last week, then maybe she wouldn't have noticed? But now, after only a few weeks, I know she knows. There is some unspoken agreement that we aren't really saying it out loud, but I think she's just waiting for me to say something first. I've been weighing the options - being openly truthful, ignoring the topic completely, waiting for her to bring it up - but I have no idea what to do. I know she probably just wants reassurance - I do too! - but I'm not sure I can give her much at this point. What would you do?


abogada2 said...

Wow, that's so hard. If she wasn't noticing things, I wouldn't say anything. But the comment "like that time with the bear" was pretty pointed, and a denial would be an untruth. I would likely wait until it comes up again in that type of form and talk about it, because it's part of life and I would want to continue my pattern of openness where possible.

It's hard with the loss, but that's part of life too. The day before yesterday I started weeping uncontrollably because, while sorting through my mother's clothes for donation, I came across the outfit my mom wore to the hospital the day after my daughter was born. She was wearing it when one of my favorite pictures was taken. It was just too hard not to let it out, and I didn't hide it from my daughter. My mom used to hide her tears, for the most part. I just don't want to do that, because I think that we learn by seeing our parents do things.

But I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to say anything. I'll bet, as smart as she is, she just asks you point blank soon, and you will have to approach things head on. I think she's probably just been testing the waters.

Mad Hatter said...

It's such a tough one! I know my teenager suspects the same thing, and I'm not even pregnant - I'm just behaving pregnant! I think I would either tell her that when a woman would like to have a baby, she sometimes gives up things like coffee and takes good care of her health. OR I would throw her off the scent by drinking decaf in front of her.I would choose either of these as I would want to wait for when I'm ready to tell her. I wouldn't blame you if you told her sooner, though.

Bounty said...

I really wish you good luck!! I love your blog and in the last month I've checked it every day. (I wanted to know how your daily date pics works!!) Love your blog and in the last month I've checked it every day. I've just had my little boy Marlow. If you are still stuck for names is a great place to search. I found there mine. Can't wait to read more. J

Nikki said...

That's a tough one! On the one hand if you don't tell her, and she keeps noticing and asking questions, it's odd for you. On the other, God forbid, if you do tell her and something goes wrong, it's just additional information she need not have to process at this age!

I'm not sure I have any advice in this situation. Whatever you decide, good luck!

stillhopeful said...

Thanks so much for your comment on my blog about daycare vs. nanny. Exactly some of the things I was thinking, too, and it's always good to hear from someone with experience!

I just read through your story and wow - you've been through so much! Your 2nd tri m/c experience was heartbreaking. And a little scary for me to read, too, being 41, 18w along and no weight gain. My next ultrasound is next Thurs, so hopefully I'll get some piece of mind...

Meanwhile, I'm really rooting for you and this pregnancy. I'll be following along!

Sky said...

NO, your run from the bear did nothing to cause your last baby to leave!

I went hiking 3 weeks ago, after my RE told me to "take it easy" and "nothing strenuous." I'd forgotten how tough this trail was and I was huffing and puffing, out of energy, got light-headed and continued through for 2.5 hours. Near the end, I fell straight down and scuffed up my knee on a rock.

I am grateful for my sense of logic that overpowers the crazies (sometimes!). Said it before and will say it again, crack addicts and prostitutes living the most dangerous lifestyles go on to birth babies at full term, so I think my hike is a walk in the park by comparison.

That was confirmed when my u/s showed a perfectly healthy embryo a few days later.

Run and dance and enjoy your life and your daughter. What happened before was not your fault and you had zero power to stop it.