Thursday, February 26, 2009

No Answers, and One Big Question

The post-op visit was so basic I could have done it myself. The ultrasound looked perfectly normal, no weird dark spots anywhere and my lining is fine. The premarin apparently did it's job, which was to kick-start the lining growth so no scar tissue could form, and I am officially "fine". Well, as far as my uterus goes.

I didn't get much in the way of answers. I understand completely that this doctor's main concern is that the procedure went well and there are no lingering complications, but a little more information would have been helpful. I can only imagine that it isn't pleasant to discuss too much of the procedure with the patient, and she had certainly perfected her evasive tactics. Basically, I got the "every situation is different" story, and other assorted non-committal answers.

I have to have another post-op visit with my regular OB on Monday, which means I have to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant people. I can't imagine she'll tell me anything new, either. And so much of what I have found by googling "second trimester IUFD" are professional practice guidelines to guard against lawsuits, so I can imagine that part of her concern isn't really about me. I know she wants me to see this as ultimately a good thing, that the baby would have had problems, blah blah blah. But I've done enough research to know that it is impossible to make the assumption that this was a genetic abnormality. The screening could just as easily show an abruption (increased AFP) and demise (increased hCG). I really just need a copy of the actual report and an appointment with a genetic counselor.

Of course, the reason I really want to know if there was something other than a terrible genetic abnormality is that everyone keeps asking me the same thing: are you going to try again? Don't people realize that there is probably a reason I have a ten-year old with no siblings? If it was that easy to just have another, then surely I would have a slew of kids by now, right? So, if some other issue contributed to this, I definitely want to suss it out before risking this again.

I did buy the three-for-two package at my IVF clinic. The contract is good for one year, so we may still have time for two more tries. Right now our inclination is to start right away. I am too old to wait six months, grieve and recuperate and get my groove back. It's not "now or never" so much as "maybe or never." I can't imagine having any kind of hope at all even if I do manage to get pregnant again, but maybe that makes it easier, somehow?


Sky said...

Lorraine, I can so relate to you. As much as you wish you had the luxury of being 32 and taking time to grieve, you know all too well that with each month closes another small opportunity. (and boy do I understand that!) :(

My heart really extends to you and I think about you often. You've done EVERYTHING right and I hate that it fell apart for no good reason whatsoever.

I'm sure you and your husband will make the right decision on timing.

Sarah said...

sounds like a meeting with a genetic counselor is a good idea. maybe even asking your RE for a referral would help open the door to more conversation? wishing you the best.

Allison said...

Hi Lorraine. Thanks for your comments on my blog. Nice to "meet" you! Hope your meeting with your OB gives you at least a few answers - and if not, at least referral to a genetic counselor.

I know what you mean about not having time to grieve. I always thought the ticking biological clock would be because I wasn't ready to have kids. I never imagined this.

Lisa DG said...

If you call ahead at the OB, they can most likely put you in a private room away from the pregnant people.

Going back to the OB for me was sheer hell.

I know how you feel about not waiting, though. But you'll have to wait a couple months just for your body will get back to balance. That gives you some time, at least. So sorry...