I've had all kinds of appointments, and although I'm waiting for the next round of blood testing, it seems like I'm good to go. If I want to go.
Do I, though? Really? Does it make sense to put myself through all of this again when I could just be happy that I have my daughter, that the three of us have a really great relationship, that this could so easily be enough for anyone? We take our bikes to the beach, knit lots of lumpy scarves, play ping-pong outside after dark, cook together every day, read gofugyourself together... why would I want to throw poopy diapers into that mix?
Ten is my favorite year yet. I do tend to say that every year, but the point is, I am not looking back on those early years longingly, wishing that my daughter was "little" again. It's not that I didn't like those years, it's just that now things are less exhausting. I know that the teenage years are looming, but she is so affectionate and thoughtful and smart, it just seems impossible that things will deteriorate too drastically. (I know, I know - famous last words.)
I've been thinking about this all weekend, wondering why I am so determined to keep trying, to keep hoping the next IVF will actually work, to keep going when the chances are so slim and the expenses are so huge. And maybe it doesn't make any sense. Even though I still have two tries left with my 3-for-2 contract, the cost of the stims and possibly doing CGH this time mean it will still be a lot. Really a lot, since stimming on my protocol is like plunging car payments into my belly fat. Not to mention that if I do somehow get pregnant I'll probably be a nervous wreck most of the time. And yet...
I still want it. So, I'm tentatively on for the end-of-April cycle, mulling over the idea of doing CGH and starting acupuncture this week. Wheatgrass, CoQ-10, Cheyzn, extra zinc, 2 mgs folic acid (helps with the Protein S) and extra Bs. Am I leaving anything out?