Monday, March 16, 2009

So, Hmm...

I've had all kinds of appointments, and although I'm waiting for the next round of blood testing, it seems like I'm good to go. If I want to go.

Do I, though? Really? Does it make sense to put myself through all of this again when I could just be happy that I have my daughter, that the three of us have a really great relationship, that this could so easily be enough for anyone? We take our bikes to the beach, knit lots of lumpy scarves, play ping-pong outside after dark, cook together every day, read gofugyourself together... why would I want to throw poopy diapers into that mix?

Ten is my favorite year yet. I do tend to say that every year, but the point is, I am not looking back on those early years longingly, wishing that my daughter was "little" again. It's not that I didn't like those years, it's just that now things are less exhausting. I know that the teenage years are looming, but she is so affectionate and thoughtful and smart, it just seems impossible that things will deteriorate too drastically. (I know, I know - famous last words.)

I've been thinking about this all weekend, wondering why I am so determined to keep trying, to keep hoping the next IVF will actually work, to keep going when the chances are so slim and the expenses are so huge. And maybe it doesn't make any sense. Even though I still have two tries left with my 3-for-2 contract, the cost of the stims and possibly doing CGH this time mean it will still be a lot. Really a lot, since stimming on my protocol is like plunging car payments into my belly fat. Not to mention that if I do somehow get pregnant I'll probably be a nervous wreck most of the time. And yet...

I still want it. So, I'm tentatively on for the end-of-April cycle, mulling over the idea of doing CGH and starting acupuncture this week. Wheatgrass, CoQ-10, Cheyzn, extra zinc, 2 mgs folic acid (helps with the Protein S) and extra Bs. Am I leaving anything out? Link

8 comments:

Sarah said...

friends remember me saying similar things about disrupting our life with a baby before the IVF cycle that brought me piper (slightly different of course because i didn't already have a child). that cycle came after a one year break which followed a year of heartbreak and failure. looking back i think my hesitation was really about not wanting to let the pain and heartbreak and failure of infertility back into my life. that is not to say that's not a perfectly good reason to stop, we have all had more than our fair share. just, i guess, the disruptions of a baby are far more acceptable than those of infertility.

Claudia said...

You're going all out to get & stay pregnant, so that if it doesn't happen you'll be able to look back and know you tried your hardest. It also seems like you're laying the groundwork for making peace with having only one child - also good. Sounds like you've got all the bases covered to me.

Hope this next cycle goes well.

Midlife Mommy said...

I understand completely. Good luck on your next cycle!

Lisa DG said...

What meds are you on? I take gonal med (I will look at the exact name when I get home from this business trip)and I have been stockpiling them since my insurance pays for it...just wondering, hypothetically, if that is what you are using.

Jill said...

I think your feelings are totally normal and part of all this process. While I didn't have a child, I still weighed the whole "how much more can I take/do I really want this" issues. Good luck and I hope your next cycle goes well!

Nikki said...

I hope your next cycle goes well Lorraine. You're doing everything that you can. I can't think of anything that you're missing out! Good luck!!

Lost in Space said...

You are exploring so much, Lorraine - the physical, emotional, and financial aspects of the process. I think somehow no matter how much we reason and fret and try to protect our hearts, ultimately deep down we really do already know what we have to do before we can stop this roller-coaster.

I wish you all the best with your cycle and beyond. Hugs.

musicmakermomma said...

Hi, just wanted to comment that I have a 7yo son and it really resonated when you talked about not wanting your daughter to be a baby again - I love the time we are at now. But I'd love to have #2, just how much is too much, for me, my family, am I too old to do this? I really hope this cycle works for you, and I'm so sorry for your recent loss.