Friday, April 17, 2009

Stimulation Depression

When I picked up the stims the pharmacist eyed the order rather dubiously and even said "Wow, that's a lot of follistim..." I tried not to let it shake me, but the truth is this freaks me out.

I remember when I first used injectables. My dose was something like 37.5 units per day. I didn't even do an IUI - it was just a medicated intercourse cycle. Since I actually got pregnant, I somehow ended up thinking that I wasn't even really infertile after all - that I just needed a jump-start because my husband traveled so much that we weren't getting the consecutive attempts that most couples have. When I look back at that cycle, I realize that if it hadn't worked I probably would have moved on to IVF years sooner than I did. Sometimes you think things make sense when they're really just signs of nothing.

I am telling you now, you will be able to knock me over with a feather - even through the internet - if this cycle actually works. I am going through the motions, but somehow my body already knows this is a bust. I can feel it in my bones, in my cells. I am practically pouring follistim into my ovaries, but somehow I can't muster up even a little enthusiasm for hope. I suppose it's better this way - better than the other way around, at least - but it just doesn't seem right. Shouldn't this at least spark that tiny bit of hope that stays hidden in your heart even when you know you shouldn't let yourself dare to allow it at all?


Sky said...

I know how you feel. During my one and only cycle with my eggs, I was on 225 IU of Gonal-F, 2Xday for 10 days and my ovaries worked their little hearts out to plump up 2 (maybe 3) follicles.

Then I would hear about other women with 75 IU once-a-day making two dozen follicles.

Ugh! It really illustrates just how relevant age is in fertility.

But no depression, okay - you actually do produce some good eggs. I want you to hit the jackpot this time and go all the way! :)

Shelby said...

Firstly, that was so very inappropriate of the pharmacist. I absolutely hate when people behind the counter feel the need to remark on your purchase. I'm not buying milk and eggs here buddy, so have a little tact and give me some shred of privacy will ya? Geez.

Anyhow, I know you feel really down about this cycle. I don't know about you, but my feelings while in the midst of a particular treatment never seemed to have had any bearing on the outcome. I mean, there were times that despite knowing how naive and dangerous it was, I was almost convinced that it would work and as usual, it was yet another BFN. Don't count your ovaries out yet! (I know, easier said than done)

Evergreen said...

I was on 300 IU Follistim and 300 IU Menopur, and I thought that was a normal amount. I didn't even know it was a lot until after the fact.

Maybe being detached for a while in this cycle will be a good thing???? Wishing you the best.

MamaSoon said...

I get ya. They love to have me on 450 of follistim. I say, "whatever my ovaries need!" It sucks but keep your eyes on the prize.

fingers crossed for you...

Best When Used By said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I believe that there is really something to "women's intuition." We so often know, deep down, before there is even a sign of what is to be.

That said, I also believe we can assert some control over our bodies. Please try!

Someone recommended this to me once, and although I did not get pregnant, I felt a sense of power.

When you are alone, and it is quiet and you have a few minutes to yourself, rest your hands against the skin of your belly, over the place where your ovaries are, and just whisper positive messages to them. Encourage them to produce, to grow lots of gorgeous, healthy follies. To fill with robust, perfect eggs. Tell them that they need to work and help you out here. Just talk to them.

The mind-body connection is a mystery. Just like women's intuition.

It's worth a try.

Nikki said...

I think it's just you trying to protect your heart from being hurt.

We will keep the hope going for you, even though you find it hard to hope. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!


Lost in Space said...

When you've been hurt so much, all you can do is try to protect yourself from letting it happen again. I don't think positive or negative thinking will affect the outcome of a cycle. If it's going to happen, then it's going to happen. (I willed myself pregnant so many times and that never happened......)

Do what you need to make it through. Everything crossed and hoping for the best.

DAVs said...

I think sometimes it's just easier to be numb to the process. I think that's ok. You do what you have to do to protect yourself. And maybe you'll get a very nice surprise and see that your ovaries are go go going! Wishing you tons of luck.

Sarah said...

i hate hope. hope is my enemy. i have a toddler who is living proof that you do NOT need hope to get pregnant. and we of the internet have combined DECADES of infertility to prove that hope certainly will not get you pregnant.

that said, on some crazy level you do not shell out thousands of dollars and subject yourself to the needles and prodding and procedures if you don't on some level hope that it will work. so there's hope and then there's hope. evil, wretched, soul-crushing hope can be gladly banished, ready to return when you're ready for her, while practical, pragmatic, 'gee i hope this works even though i truly do not believe it ever will' hope still holds residence somewhere deep inside. knowing that made it easier for me to let go of soul-crushing hope and get on with the day to day dealings of dosing and poking.

because afterall, you just never know.

Kami said...

I think the hope will come and why not? Even if it doesn't work, it is nice to have hope for a while.

I hear you about not recognizing your own fertility issues because you got pregnant relatively easily. Hindsight and all that . . .

I hope you will be surprised this cycle.

InfertileMadWoman said...

Yeah I know this depression all to well... I know that this cycle crap is hard, but you can do it sweetie, I know you can!!!