Maybe it was some kind of deep womanly knowledge, or whatever - but somehow I knew. The cycle is canceled - I have a giant cyst wringing my left ovary like a dishrag.
And now? My RE wants me to try again right away, as soon as my ovary goes back to normal. I am desperate for a month off - I have that bloated crappy feeling that makes the idea of doing this again incredibly unappealing. But - and, remember, being told that things will probably "be fine" is basically what has screwed me in this all along - he is saying that I really shouldn't waste any time. That ovarian reserve can plummet one month and then that's it. That at my age I can have possibilities one month that can never be matched again.
But I am so tired. Possibly the fact that I have been up all night has something to do with that, but I am also just tired in general. I'm tired of having my life revolve around infertility. I could actually be a fairly happy person if I could just put all this behind me. And yet, it's just hanging over me in this looming, unending way. Two more paid cycles. Between now and September.
Here's the thing: my husband will be working mainly out of town until the end of August. Our plan had been one cycle now, while he's in prep, and - if needed - one in September after he wraps. The thought was that if this cycle didn't work, at least I could have the summer to get my groove back. And my RE is saying of course it's my decision, etc. etc. - but I asked him what he would recommend and he said frozen sperm and go, go, go.