Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Intuition

Maybe it was some kind of deep womanly knowledge, or whatever - but somehow I knew. The cycle is canceled - I have a giant cyst wringing my left ovary like a dishrag.

And now? My RE wants me to try again right away, as soon as my ovary goes back to normal. I am desperate for a month off - I have that bloated crappy feeling that makes the idea of doing this again incredibly unappealing. But - and, remember, being told that things will probably "be fine" is basically what has screwed me in this all along - he is saying that I really shouldn't waste any time. That ovarian reserve can plummet one month and then that's it. That at my age I can have possibilities one month that can never be matched again.

But I am so tired. Possibly the fact that I have been up all night has something to do with that, but I am also just tired in general. I'm tired of having my life revolve around infertility. I could actually be a fairly happy person if I could just put all this behind me. And yet, it's just hanging over me in this looming, unending way. Two more paid cycles. Between now and September.

Here's the thing: my husband will be working mainly out of town until the end of August. Our plan had been one cycle now, while he's in prep, and - if needed - one in September after he wraps. The thought was that if this cycle didn't work, at least I could have the summer to get my groove back. And my RE is saying of course it's my decision, etc. etc. - but I asked him what he would recommend and he said frozen sperm and go, go, go.

Really?

13 comments:

MamaSoon said...

Follow your gut. Don't let him scare you. I've never heard someone else say that there is a sudden precipice. I always heard a gradual decline. Your state of mind is important in this experience. Trust yourself. Good luck!

Nikki said...

I agree with mamasoon. Go with your gut. Don't push your mind and body to do something that you're not ready for. If you need a break, take a break. I'm sorry your cycle got cancelled - that sucks big time.

Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

Best When Used By said...

I'm so sorry that this has happened and that your cycle was cancelled.

I have to agree with MamaSoon and Nikki about listening to your gut.

Take a little time to consider all of the possibilities: (i) you can gear up and get right back into another cycle immediately; (ii) you can put your RE's pressure and the worries about getting cycles in by September on a back burner and announce you'll go forward when you feel ready to go forward; (iii) you can pick a random time and say "I'll do it in August.".....and whatever other possibilities there might be.

Think about your options and don't let yourself be pushed into something you know is not right for you.

One thing so many of us have learned is that our thoughts, our attitudes, our feelings and state of mind play a huge role in all of this.

Whatever you choose, we'll support you.

Lost in Space said...

I completely agree with following your gut. If you need a break, take it. I just don't see one month making it an end all be all kind of thing. I'm sorry you're making this decision at all....

Evergreen said...

Like the others said, if you feel like you need a break, then you need to take it. You can plan ahead with some frozen sperm if your husband will be away when you are ready to move forward, although going through IVF with husband out of town sounds incredibly hard.

Another thing to remember is that even though you have 2 more paid cycles by September, you don't have to use them both. Remember that is an option too.

Hang in there.

Sarah said...

that's weird, i've never heard of a doc pushing for a quick turn around. as everyone has said, you have to do what works for you. preserving your sanity is pretty important too!

PJ said...

Crap.

Yea, I'm elegant like that. But that's how I feel.

I'm gonna be the odd commenter out, and say I might take the doc's assvice and jump back into a cycle. My thinking is that you will have answers one way or the other earlier, and will then be able to get on with your life - whatever that may entail. Does
that make sense?

And this might be just because I am in that place right now, where I want to hurry up and exhaust all of my options so that I will KNOW what to focus on next. I've lost some of that patience I had only a few months ago.

But, everyone has their limits, you would know better than I do.

Thinking of you.

DAVs said...

I'm so sorry about the canceled cycle. Ugh.
Trust your heart--I know I'm just echoing what everyone else is saying.

What is it that DH does? It sounds interesting...

musicmakermomma said...

Since by the time I got really serious about things it was too late for my eggs, I guess I would push for going ahead now if you can. But I also agree that your state of mind really affects things, so if you need a break, take it and then get back in asap. It just sucks that there are no guarantees, I hope you find the path that works for you. Good luck!

Lisa DG said...

So sorry this cycle didn't work out. It sucks all around.

I echo the words of the others- if you need a month- take it.

Wombded said...

Oh, I hate that you've been cancelled. I found my cancelled cycles to be the hardest ones. It just sucked the hope away and left me empty and grieving. That's how I felt anyway. I hope that you don't.

Listen to your body and trust your instinct. Take good care of yourself.

Kami said...

I agree with MamaSoon. Of course there are 1000 opinions, but when I asked my RE if waiting a couple of months would hurt he said no.

My RE will also drain a cyst if it is interfering with a cycle . . . just a thought.

It is so hard sometimes and I can't imagine it would hurt to take a moment to regroup.

Peeveme said...

Crap. So unfair.

As I understand it your options are: Wait until Sapt 2) cycle anytime you like with frozen sperm.

I'm also reading that you DO want a cycle now...then a break if needed. Not that you need a break right now. Just if this cycle failed.

I add to that the fact that time is not our friend when it comes to infertility....

I'm going with PJ and musicmakermomma...move ahead.

At least freeze the sperm and then you can make up your mind later. If Dh goes away and you suddenly want/need to cycle you can. If you don't feel like it you can always skip it.

I'm all about keeping options open. Just becasue you freeze sperm doesn't mean you HAVE to cycle

Also, I have learned anything it's this: if your RE wants you to cycle ASAP you should listen.