Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wonder Woman

I wonder about everything. All the time. I wonder if this is at all worth it. I wonder if I will have to deal with some kind of repercussions for taking all of these hormones. I wonder if I can keep myself from getting too hopeful this time. I wonder if it matters that I forgot to take the dexamethasone yesterday.

I wonder if it's too soon, if my body isn't ready. I wonder if I've really recovered at all from the loss, if I'll secretly be happier if it doesn't work. The one thing I don't have to wonder about is whether I'm only doing this now because my husband will be working out of town soon and I have a deadline with my clinic.

I wonder if I'll know when I'm ready to be done with this. I'm stuck in this weird place between being unable to look at babies because I ache for the ones I didn't have, but also not actually being all that crazy about babies, lately. I mean, I loved my own baby, and I know I would love another one. But babies in general, eh. Maybe it's just the effect of long-term ganerelix, the forced-menopausal chemical stop sign for reproduction. I sometimes look at stained sticky mothers tethered to strollers matted with wet crumbs and I just wonder why I'm doing this at all.

Secondary infertility is a weird set of contradictions. I don't have that original driving need to have a baby, to be a mother. I'm in it for other reasons now, and maybe those reasons aren't as compelling. I would so love for my daughter to have a sibling, someone to connect her to family in her own generation and the next. I would love to have the experience of raising a kid the second time around, when I kind of know what I'm doing and am not just figuring it out as I go the whole time. I would love to have another child with my husband, because he's turned out to be such a great dad. But I wonder if I wouldn't be better off just enjoying what life has given me.

I wonder if any of this will seem to make more sense tomorrow, after the stims start working their chemical magic?

8 comments:

Nikki said...

I'm facing many of the same questions too - even though it's primary IF here. I wonder if it's worth it, and I wonder if I think this way because of the "sour grapes" syndrome.

Lost in Space said...

I really wish I knew, hun. I really wish I knew.

I think we just keep on going down the same path until it becomes harder than the alternative.

Good luck with your cycle. Let the hormotional rollercoaster of stims begin. (-;

Lisa DG said...

I'm thinking positive thoughts about beautiful follicles waiting to be woken up. I understand oh so well that this is a complicated time, filled with lots of conflictng emotions. Hang in there.

musicmakermomma said...

I can completely relate to this post - with secondary IF I keep wondering why I'm going through all this, and is a sibling really something my son will benefit from? But at least at this moment it appears to be out of my hands - good luck to you with your cycle and all the drugs!

Midlife Mommy said...

Yes! That's it - it's exactly what has been going through my mind for the last couple years while we've been trying again. And, we're older, so it just gets more and more difficult.

The scary part is that if I'm successful, I know that there will be many times in that first several months that I wonder "what was I thinking!" That is until I look at the little person and think "what did I ever do without you." As I do now.

Best When Used By said...

I share many of your fears, thoughts, questions and wonderings. I too have "geriatric eggs" and wonder, gee, am I too for all of this?

But I agree with Lost in Space...we just keep going until it's too painful to continue.

Just know you're not alone.

Shelby said...

The intentions behind our choices are not always crystal clear, but I'm confident that each one of us is compelled into cycles for a reason and it must be a pretty damn good one to go through what we do.

DAVs said...

Thanks for all the support. While I'm not in a position of secondary IF, I know that none of it is easy, and I wonder all the time if any of it is worth it anymore. It's just so exhausting.
Good luck good luck good luck!