Saturday, February 27, 2010

Down

Yep, still on bedrest. Low fluid (down to 8) is one of the few things that can mean bedrest even when the baby is technically at term. The main problem it can cause is cord compression. No signs, no symptoms, nothing to do but wait and see if it goes down to the point (like, if it was at 2) that requires an emergency C section. Or, if it's going down steadily and gets to about 5 we might try to induce before it gets too low. But that would mean a uterine catheter for amnioinfusion, which puts extra fluid in there to help cushion things as the baby moves around during labor. Which means I would be limited in terms of mobility, and that just makes an unmedicated birth harder.

So, here I am, still on the couch. Frustrated and disheartened and nervous. If I ever hear anyone go on about "enjoying their pregnancy" I'll just roll my eyes as many times as I can before I tell them to get over themselves and shut up already. Enjoying pregnancy is a big ridiculous myth that's built on soft-focus ad campaigns, with gay male models pretending to be doting husbands to winsome actress-wannabes reclining delicately with a fake bump under a linen sundress. It has almost nothing to do with reality, other than the fact that pregnant women do seem to wear a lot of sundresses.

Reality is just being glad you managed to get pregnant at all, and then wondering what dreadful things might go awry as you count down the weeks. And at the end, when it's supposed to be all about folding the tiny outfits and picking out slings that coordinate with the stroller, here I am wondering if my baby is still alive every time I haven't felt him kick for a while. (He just rolled way to one side, by the way, so apparently is not dead!)

If I wanted to have a C section and just get this over with I could probably talk my OB into it - I get the feeling that docs are happy to do it if there is any kind of a good reason at all. It's faster, easier to fit into a busy schedule, they can bill for it - what's not to like? Except that I have to move house now. Recovering from labor is pretty easy. Recovering from a C section while moving into a two story house is probably not a good combination. And - standard disclaimer - of course I'd be fine with the C if it really is necessary. But I'd rather have the one day of pain followed by five days of tenderness than any kind of surgical recovery.

And why the hurry to move, you may ask? Well, if we could afford to maintain two houses in Los Angeles, we would probably have a vacation place in the mountains, or a beach retreat in Malibu...Plus, I have to get an army of plumbers and painters and gutter-fixing handymen in here as soon as possible, and I don't want to be here nursing a baby while their varnishy smells and drooping pants are lingering around.

The good news is that the biophysical profile always looks great. The little guy does all of the flexing and breathing and swallowing sort of movements that he's supposed to be doing. The cord flow is always good. He's measuring at about 5 1/2 pounds. Most of him is in the 65th percentile, except for his abdomen, which is only in the 10th. BUT, I am not panicking about that yet, since my daughter's pediatrician always measured her in about the 20th percentile for weight but off the end of the chart for length. So, he's probably just following in her long skinny footsteps.

I guess the thing that panics me so much now is that if anything goes wrong I know that I'll never be able to tell myself "it was probably for the best." Which I was always skeptical about anyway, but it gives you something to at least try to cling to, a toehold of understanding. I mean, I'll never know what went wrong with my last pregnancy, but I can at least tell myself that it might have been a terribly unfortunate problem with the baby. I don't really believe that, but I can at least concede that it's a possibility.

I think the bedrest thing is just getting to me, making everything seem worse than it really is. Basically, I should be thrilled that I even have a reason to be stuck on the couch, and I know that. But the grouchiness is getting in anyway.

12 comments:

PJ said...

Oh Lorraine, I'm so sorry you're back to couch time. A couple of snow days stuck inside bored me to tears, so I imagine weeks of it would be rough. I'm so hoping that's not in my future.

Pregnancy is definitely hard, I completely agree with you. And the wondering what will go awry is disconcerting, yet being realistic.

This little guy will be fine though. You've made it so far. I hope that you can finish out your pregnancy without too much worry.

More couch shopping? :)

lastchanceivf said...

Oh man, this does indeed sucketh. And you do not need to apologize for complaining--we all know you're grateful to be where you are and boy you certainly deserved to have an easier time of this. Keep hanging in there....it's all you can do.

Thank goodness for the internet, eh?

Mad Hatter said...

I do not blame you one bit for being grouchy. Bedrest is one thing. Worrisome bedrest with the stress of a pending move is something entirely different. I hope you and little mister rollover are able to stick it out a little longer and that this difficult time will be a fading memory very soon!
Love,
Maddy

Natika said...

I still have you in my prayers every night. Louise, Lorraine, Anissa and Josh....that my list of blog people. So far it seems to be helping. They're all still here.
Sorry about the continued bedrest. Good news is that it won't last forever!

katery said...

you are right, c-sections are difficult to recover from, much more difficult than i thought, my sister made it look so easy! we closed on our house five days after i had louise so i wasn't able to help with any of the move or cleaning/fixing up of the new house. also, i had an amnioinfusion while i was in labor before the c-section, it was strange, the water was not warm and it leaked out so i was sort of sitting in a puddle so to speak. anyway, i hope your level stays high so you can have the birth you want:)

RoseAG said...

I'd be getting pretty grouchy too if I were you!

One of my life lessons is that when big things loom on the future it's our first nature to worry about little things because they're easier to consider.

So keep worrying about C-sections/un-medicated birth and whether you'll be dodging plumbers with disgusting smells and butt cracks. Doesn't your daughter have some problem you could focus on? No need to dump all concerns on the "one" thing. Spread the worry wealth!

I guess you've probably already watched re-runs of all the shows you like?

I hope it's nice there. Someone else was telling me it'd rained in SoCa.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

I'm sorry you're down! Certainly understandable based on the bedrest stuff and uncertainity you have been dealing with. I'm sending positive thoughts that the rest of your pregnancy will pass quickly and uneventfully!

Best When Used By said...

Poor Lorraine! Such ups and downs all in one post! I suspect you are right about the bed rest (couch rest?) getting to you.

Your fluid level was up pretty high, so I guess you've got a slow leak going on? We are so close to the end...that baby has just GOT to hang in there for you. Part of me wants to say "Please, just get the C-section" because I'm a bit afraid for you. But it sounds like your docs are all over this and you are prepared and so I just wish you the best. You're absolutely right about the recovery time for the C-section and as long as you have enough fluid, there's no reason to think you can't have a natural birth.

But the whole "varnishy smells and drooping pants" comment cracked me up! Even on bed rest, your sense of humor is intact!

Okay, take care of that baby, breathe, hang on to that fluid and count the days!

Lost in Space said...

Well I wish I had read this earlier. We are testing at work which means I worked Saturday, but had today off. You know I'm itching to pack and move some boxes. Instead I settled for painting and cork contac paper?-ing my pantry today. Clearly, I have issues.

I'm sorry you are still couch-bound and frustrated and worried. This so should be a time of folding little onesies and awing over those tiny diapers. No assvice, just hugs.

Celia said...

Yeah, I am cranky too. And the fact that he is alive and viable NOW but something could happen to him in there makes me crazy.

And my shower is filthy. For real. And I feel too guilty to nag my husband to clean it.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Thinking of you today, Lorraine!

peesticksandstones said...

What you said about pregnancy cracked me up -- the sundresses and soft focus and whatnot. So right on.

I've been feeling very nostalgic lately about my pregnancy, recalling how this time last year we were starting to work on the nursery and I was just beginning to be all big and bouncy. But in reality, at the time, the whole thing was truly terrifying, uncomfortable, exhausting, and I really could not believe there would be a real live baby coming home with us until I held him in my arms.

I still get kinda annoyed when I'm around pregnant ladies who are all confident and perky about things.

Anyway, hang in there! I'll be thinking of you.