Thursday, November 13, 2008


Doubling time of 1.54 days.

Which could mean all kinds of things, given a x3 transfer. There could be one overachiever going strong or some combination of success and failure amongst the three. I'm just crossing my fingers for the one really good one, and since I won't have any more beta testing before the first ultrasound, there's not much else to do but sit tight and hope for the best.

The last time I was officially pregnant, the time that ended in a pathology report of trisomy 17, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. I felt really ambivalent about being pregnant, and I questioned everything about my decision to go through so much to have a child and then feel so lackluster about the pregnancy. Of course, I realize now that it was just a defense mechanism, that I was probably willing myself to be detached from the experience just to keep myself from completely falling apart if it didn't work out. And it didn't work out, and I fell apart anyway.

I feel much more able to accept whatever comes now. I'm not sure what the difference is - but I know that having read the stories of so many women in the IF blog world, I don't feel so alone and ashamed and unsure. It has been really meaningful to know that there are amazing women out there who are facing the same obstacles that I am - and just the fact that they can so beautifully express and clearly reflect the experiences of infertility has made me stronger and more resilient to the insecurities of the process. Thank you for sharing this with me and giving me what I never had before - a sense of understanding in the midst of what seems mostly unfair and unlikely and desperate and embarrassing.

I have managed to make at least one egg that fertilized to the point that it could implant, and it's hung on long enough to make satisfactory lab test results. That may not mean anything in the long run, but for now there isn't really any more I can do one way or the other. I'll go to acupuncture, take my vitamins, no coffee, etc. - but other than that, the die is cast. From now until the 26th (first u/s appt.) I'll try to just appreciate the fact that things have progressed to this point, to be happy for what might be.


Sky said...

RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY FOR YOU! Those were two terrific betas - and more than doubling, by the way! You go girl!

Nikki said...

Lorraine - I have tears in my eyes from your post. Firstly - YAY!!!! for a great doubling number. You are officially pregnant, and now you should just focus on an incredibly uneventful, boring 9 months!

But I so understand the rest of your post too - it's not fair that we struggle so hard, and then are also scared when we get what we struggled for.

Good luck to you - thanks for being there for so many of us! Thanks for your comments and encouragement! I will be sure to continue to follow your journey in the coming months, and hopefully join you in the BFP club in a couple of months!

Lost in Space said...

Sorry I've been away from blogland for a few days. Sending huge congratulations your way!!!! I am so thrilled to come back to see this after your faint peestick post. (:

Keeping you in my thoughts as you step through all these next hurdles.

chicklet said...

Yay! That's awesome. You might really be on your way outta here!

Midlife Mommy said...

I can't wait to hear the good news on the 26th!

Lisa DG said...

Can I just say I don't know how I missed your whole preggo thing here! I thought you were on my blog reader but apparently not. I am so happy for you! Can't wait to catch up and read what has been happening for the last two months while I had my head up my butt.